You Don’t Have a Type… You Have a Pattern

Andrea Knoche (: 00:00

well, hello to my fabulous listeners out there. I am so happy that you guys are back again with me this week. We are talking all about dating and relationships on this show. You're listening to From Mrs. To Ms. I'm your host, Andrea, and we're going to talk a little bit today about why we keep attracting.

the wrong person, whether it's a man or a woman, why we continually do this, because we have to start recognizing that it's not that we have a type, right? It's that we actually have a pattern. And I think that's the problem here is that everybody keeps saying, well, what's your type? What's your type? And he's my type, she's my type. That's why I keep attracting to that same person, but that's not what it is, you guys. It's the fact that you have a pattern and no matter how much work you think you've done, somehow,

This pattern keeps showing up again. This type keeps showing up again. This man, this woman keeps showing up again. Different face, but the same issues. So what we need to do is really try to figure out what is actually going on here and figure out why we keep attracting the same person over and over again when we know that they are not what we are looking for. So if you've ever said to yourself, why does this keep happening to me?

then this episode is for you.

All right, so let's dive in. Let's start talking about the pattern here. Let's figure out why this pattern keeps popping up and why we can't seem to escape it. And what we're finding is that whether it's he or she starts out amazing, and then somehow they slowly start pulling away. So I know you guys have all experienced this. I experienced it many times throughout my dating where you think things are going great. You come in hot and heavy, right?

right off the bat, you totally match up. You have this connection. You feel this chemistry. The conversation is going great. You're wondering where this is going to go. We automatically start thinking about the potential of this relationship. You know you all do it. You sit there and think while you're looking at him. I've done this many, many times. I'm on a date with a guy and while we're talking, we're having this conversation, he's mostly doing the talking at the moment and I am half listening, but I'm also looking at him and thinking, hi.

Do I see him with my kids, hanging out with my kids, having movie night? Do I see him being introduced to my friends? Do I see us going on trips? What would our house look like? And we start thinking about all this potential when we haven't even gotten past the first date yet, right? So that's how it all starts out. But because of that potential that we're seeing, we feel like this is going.

Amazing right off the bat. So we start hanging out more but very quickly we notice that here she starts pulling away They're all of a sudden Emotionally unavailable for us and we're trying to figure out why because they're just available enough but still emotionally unavailable and that is just never gonna work because you need somebody that is in it, right

They want to be in it. They are engaged in the conversation. They're engaged and they want to learn more about you and they want to see this relationship go somewhere. But if they're emotionally unavailable, it is going to fall off right from the beginning

We also know quite often that these people that we're dating that are not quite meant for us are quite often emotionally unavailable. They're emotionally unavailable, but just available enough to keep you on the hook. And that's where we fall short. We start doing this potential thing. We start hanging out more. We start chatting more. We want to engage in conversation. We want to go out on more dates. We think everything is great. We're thinking, I want to introduce them to my kids, my family. And then all of a sudden, boom.

they start pulling away. So we want to figure out why that is happening. Again, it's this pattern of you constantly finding the same person that is doing this. So how do we break this pattern? That's what we're looking for. It's not bad luck. It's just familiarity. So let's talk about why this happens. Why do we end up finding the same type of person over and over again and hoping for a different outcome? Do you all know the definition of insanity? It is

having the same thing happen over and over again and expecting a different outcome. That's how it kind of feels with this, right? We're constantly going for the same person, but expecting to find a different kind of relationship. So, what it is is that we're attracted to what feels familiar. Our nervous systems relate to something that is familiar with us.

So it makes it easy, it makes us feel more comfortable. So looking outside of that box, outside of that shell is going to make us uncomfortable. So we tend to gravitate toward what is comfortable and what is a pattern for us, right? So we're attracting ourselves to what feels familiar and not necessarily what feels healthy. And chemistry is often recognition. It's not compatibility. And so our nervous system is confusing that. They're confusing the intensity of the connection with.

not actually connecting. And so we're getting all confused. And we think it is totally something that it's actually not. We think we are engaging in this relationship that is starting to go somewhere. We're building something with somebody. Yet the other person is not seeing it that way because they are not emotionally available. They're not emotionally there. But we are disconnecting and we are forgetting about that and overlooking it again because our nervous system is telling us this is something very familiar.

So what we tend to think that if we're feeling the fireworks and the butterflies and the tingly feels that this is our person, but what it might be is actually your nervous system just saying, whoa, whoa, wait, I've been here before. We need to really stop and take a look at this. Is this the direction we want to head? Again, we know what happens with this type of person, with this type of pattern. Do we want to continue on in a relationship like this where we end up the same way we've ended up?

multiple times before, right? So that's really something to look at. Now, the hard part about this is that you cannot outdate your patterns. Let me say that again. You cannot outdate your patterns, you guys. A new app, a new city, a new haircut equals the same internal wiring and the same results. Why? Because we're not actually taking the time to work on the issue inside, to figure out how we can actually change that pattern.

So we're not attracting the wrong men, we're just choosing what feels normal to us. So how do we get around that? How do we stop doing that? How do we change things to make it different? It has to be some sort of a value shift. We have to figure out how to slow it down because that attraction that keeps building and building, it creates an instant spark. So this has happened to me, like I said many times, I've gone out on these dates and...

You know, right off the bat, I'm looking at him going, he's really cute. I'm attracted to him. There's this chemistry And as we're getting into conversation and we're talking more and more about what we're both looking for or where we see this headed or what would be our ultimate outcome, because you know those questions always come up on the first date. So what are you looking for? Which I'm going to be honest, I really hate that question. What are you looking for? And I'll tell you why I hate it.

because I don't think we genuinely know at that very moment what it is we're looking for. A lot of people will say, I'm looking for someone to just have fun with, someone to hang around with. They might be totally upfront and honest and say they're looking for a hookup or just kind of a situationship without saying it. But here's the thing. We don't know what we want until we actually see it or we feel it or we hear it. And so

We go in there just thinking, yeah, I know what I want. You have these basic things. But what happens when you go in there and you meet somebody who you connect with on this insatiable level and you are just like, yes, I am all in on this person. I'm excited to get to know them more. And I could see myself down the road having some sort of relationship with this person. when we see that and we think that it can change.

you know, it can change what you think you were actually looking for. Because if the right person comes along that everything lines up and everything's going great and they want to engage in exclusivity, are you going to be like, yeah, well, I was just looking for something, you know, easy going, situationship, a hookup, whatever that might be. Probably not, because you didn't know that you were looking for something so great that's right now in front of you. So my advice on this is we need to slow it down.

Attraction can build instant spark and you get caught up in it. And then next thing you know, you are on this trajectory of just going up, up, up, and you haven't taken the time to look at the person that you are actually doing this with. Are you just feeling comfortable because it is familiar to you and because you see yourself in this long-term relationship? Or is it that it's just chemistry and you're feeling this comfortable pattern?

as we said before, that makes you just want to stay engaged with that because it's easier than trying something new, right? So what we need to be really doing is paying attention, paying attention to the red flags out there. We don't do that a lot of times. We don't want to see the red flags. We wanna overlook them. We wanna think that they're not really there and we're hoping that the green flags are gonna far outweigh the red flags. Do they? Maybe, maybe after a while, maybe you find somebody that does.

But when you are constantly engaging with the same type of person over and over again, that you know is maybe a bit of a player or you know he's terrible at returning phone calls or texting throughout the day, or that he is not a committed person or emotionally available. We know that's a red flag right off the bat. We know that that is not the person that we're looking for for a long-term relationship. And so we have to recognize these things.

have to watch their actions and not the potential because the potential can set us up for failure. So what we need to stop doing is filling in the blanks. We need to notice how our body feels. Is our body sensing anxiety? We're saying that this anxiety, it equals chemistry, but that's not really true. Calmness should equal something good like chemistry, compatibility, connectivity.

That's when your body should feel at ease and feel like, wow, I'm really connecting with somebody that I'm not feeling this anxiety about. I'm feeling very calm with them. And how nice does that feel, right? We also want to be asking better questions early on. Not, do I like him? But how do I feel after being with him? I think that we often

And I'm going to speak for myself. OK, if I've gone out on a date and I come home and I start thinking, replaying it in my head, right? I'm thinking about how it went from soup to nuts. And so I'm thinking, do I like him? We're not thinking about how do I feel after being with him? Do I feel this knot in my stomach? Do I feel this anxiety? Do I feel anxious?

I'm not really sure what was so great about him. I just thought it was great. You know, we have to really look at that. Am I feeling these butterflies? Am I feeling like I had fireworks when I kissed him or hugged him? You know, we're really trying to look at those things and think, how do I feel after being with him? Not do I like him?

And the big difference is because you need to understand how your body is feeling. Like I said, your nervous system reacts to familiarity and a pattern. so automatically, you're gonna start feeling this certain way because it's a comfort level with somebody who you know is an all in because it keeps you a little bit at distance, right? You don't have to make a decision. You don't have to decide right now whether that's somebody for your future or not. And so when we already know these things and

our stomach is giving us little nods or we're saying in our head, something's off. We need to be listening to those things. Right. So that can be a very tricky thing to do. Like I said, this has happened to me, you know, a few times I've told stories before about, getting into relationships with somebody that I was with maybe number one, because they were super attractive.

know all of those superficial things that we're looking at right off the bat and Then they start saying things to you. They are straight up telling you that they're just not really great at returning phone calls or being around to text with you throughout the day or they're not really looking for something exclusive, but they're willing to see where it goes Well when I hear that and I've heard that in the past

I've always seen it maybe as a challenge. And then that chase sets in, right? Well, I can change them. I can make things different. I can make him want to see me. if he just goes out on a few dates with me, he's going to want to talk to me more. That is where we're going wrong, right? Because we are choosing to continue in something that we already know. Our body has been telling us, hey, something's off. This guy's not emotionally available. He's letting you know he's going to be leaving you breadcrumbs. And instead of really

sitting with yourself and saying, hmm, how do I feel after having that conversation with him? Am I feeling like this is somebody who I can engage with long distance down the road and really enjoy it with, or is this somebody that I am going to constantly feel anxious with, that I'm going to be constantly wondering when I'm going to hear from him, why he hasn't texted, why he hasn't asked me out on a date, why he's going hot and cold and up and down?

And so when that happens, you start to get these feelings and we're just ignoring them. We tend to go and find the same thing with the next person because after a while it feels familiar to us and it feels like something that we can sit with and that things could change. So we really need to kind of shake things up a little bit and stir it up. I feel like I have many times

you know, anxiety rides up in me when I'm dating somebody, especially early on. And that is a little bit of negative self-talk that you're going through. might be bad situations that you've had before, relationships that didn't work out. Maybe you've been cheated on. Maybe you have dealt with somebody who's never honest with you. You know, you've had to do all of these things, checking their phone or, seeing where they're at. I don't know. When that happens,

And that has happened to me in the past. Then what I find myself doing is when I do hear from them, I'm quickly second guessing it before I even read their text message, before I listen to their voicemail, I'm immediately telling myself, they don't want to see me again. they want to call this off. They didn't feel the chemistry. And they're going to cancel tonight's date. That was how I was going into it every time.

And when I sit back and I look at that and wonder, why did I feel that anxiety? Why did I have those negative thoughts pop up before I could even really see what the text message said or listen to the voicemail? Well, it's you preparing yourself, right? You're putting up your wall. You're protecting yourself. You're making yourself feel safe so that if this rejection should happen, you're already prepared for it. And I would do this all the time, you guys. I would do it all the time. And that was...

very unsettling for me. I know it was a sense of protection because I felt like, gosh, I've been kind of chasing here. I've been double texting, triple texting. And so when I get the message back from them, I already have this fear that it is going to be a negative message, that they're going to say, hey, I don't think this is really what I'm looking for, or I just didn't feel the chemistry.

And so I set myself up so that I don't have to feel that rejection. I've already put that wall up. I've already set the protection status in mode so that I'm not going to get hurt by this reaction. Now, what I'm not recognizing at the moment is it's still going to hurt. And it did. That happened to me a few times. I was also putting myself in that spot because I was anxious. My nervous system was familiar, which made me in turn anxious with somebody.

who is giving me breadcrumbs, not fully following through. And instead of me recognizing those things as red flags and saying, hey, this isn't the right relationship for me, I was seeing as an opportunity to change him, chase, do all of those things. So I noticed this pattern. And once I caught myself doing this, I had to let myself choose differently. I had to think of a way

that I can no longer be chasing this anxious ridden person, this person who I know is not right for me, he's not emotionally available, he's not even looking for a relationship, and I had to change things. I would often find myself changing the narrative of the story, the narrative of what I was looking for. I could totally be looking for a full on relationship with somebody that I wanna have.

a long-term relationship, not a one-night stand, not just dating somebody casually. Yet, I'd find myself out with this person and clearly telling me that they're not interested in a long-term relationship, that they're just looking for somebody to hang out with right now. They're coming off of another long-term relationship and not quite ready to get back into something, that they're working on themselves.

And I'm thinking at that moment, what am I doing with this person again? Why have I fallen into this pattern again? And at that moment, when you think that, that is when you need to stop and say, this is not for me. I need to make a change. I need to do something different. And you don't have to do it in that exact moment with the person. You can finish out the date, but

You need to take note of how that feels in that moment. Does it feel like, like, are you feeling a sigh of relief? Like, wow, I'm actually making a decision for myself. This is not based on anything that this person has said. This is having to do with what I want, what my goals, what my values are and my standards. And you will feel something different come over you where you are like, yes, I need to choose differently. I need to make a change.

And so it's going to be about just finding what that is that's going to help you change. Is it listening more? Is it asking more questions? Is it taking the time to really listen to what they are saying if they're saying.

Yeah, I just don't know that I'm ready for a long-term relationship with somebody. It's okay to stop them right there and say, well, what is it that you are looking for? Or what is it that makes you think that you are not looking for that? And you're not asking that question so that you can morph into what they want you to be in order to do that, because that's never going to work. But it's just letting you know, and it's giving you more information and more data, which is what I'm always saying. We're collecting the data here, right? If they're telling you that.

and you want to ask them, hey, why are you not feeling that? And they give you the answer like, I just came out of a long-term relationship. It was a very toxic relationship. I was in this uncomfortable position with this person that was maybe unfaithful to me. I found myself looking at their phone. I found myself always questioning where they are, who we were to each other. Then that gives you a lot of information right there.

That lets you know, number one, that they are not emotionally available to be dating with you. They've got work to do on themselves. Number two, are they going to bring that into this relationship? So you need to understand what that looked like, what capacity was that at? How did they come out of it? And is it something that they are even ready to start over at the ground level where there's going to be

equal trust and respect or are you right off the bat gonna be dealing with somebody who is already dealing with, unfaithfulness and dishonesty? So it's hard. So when I'm talking all about this, what I want you to remember is that you're not broken. You are just repeating something that you haven't fully seen yet, right? And once you see it, that's the exciting part here. That's what I'm excited to talk about.

how you get to choose differently, how you now get to be that person who calls the shots. You get to decide who you want to date and who you don't want to date, what standards you are setting for yourself, what you'll tolerate in this relationship and what you won't. And when you can really take the time to figure that out, that's when the magic really happens.

And so I really say that when you are starting to create a list for yourself of what you're looking for when you are looking to date, the list can't just be somebody that is tall, attractive, makes me laugh, dresses nice, knows how to plan a date. You're looking for somebody that is going to actually bring something to the table. You're looking for the person that is emotionally available. You're looking for somebody that

does want a long-term relationship down the road. You're looking for somebody who has put in the work. That's a question you might want to ask. Well, what have you done to help yourself get past that old relationship and put you in a good place to be dating now? Do you think that you've done enough work to be in the place that you're dating now and to actually move forward in a relationship? These are the questions that we need to be asking. So really take your time when you are starting to date again.

whether you just came out of something and you might think you're ready, ask yourself those questions. Are you really ready? Or am I just going to be going out there and following the same pattern that I already have and ending up with the same result and back in the same position? Because that's not necessarily the place that you want to be, right? So if you are tired of dating the same person but just in a different body,

then this is your moment to wake up to that pattern. And I want to know what's one pattern you know that you keep repeating while dating. One thing that you just keep doing over and over and over again. And I know for me, it was not listening, not paying attention to the red flags when they were right in front of my face and hoping that I could make a change, hoping that I could do something different. Surely they're going to do something different with me than with this other person. And they're just not.

because they haven't put in the work to help them change. So that's what I wanted to talk to you guys about today, why you keep attracting the same man or woman, how you can make things different so that you are changing the pattern and you are changing the direction that you are headed and hopefully finding somebody that is going to change the way you see dating because we get in this real...

Negative mindset about dating and how we're always fine. How many times will we said that I always am meeting the wrong person? I'm never gonna find the right person Well, you are but you have to change you too. It's not just gonna keep happening from changing the person that you're dating You got to change you you got to change your pattern All right, you guys drop it in the comments or DM me. What is one pattern? You know that you keep repeating and dating if you liked hearing about this tell me more things you want to know about

what will help you with your dating. And I look forward to hearing from you guys. You can find me on Instagram and tick tock at from.misses.thenumbertwo.miss. Full videos are up on YouTube at from Mrs. The Number Two Miss. I'd love to hear from you guys. You can email me at from Mrs. To Miss podcast at gmail.com. And I want to hear what you have to say about attracting the same man and woman and how you can break that pattern.

Alright you guys, I will see you next week. Have a good one. Bye bye.