Harry Said “I Love You”… Then Immediately Regretted It | Let’s Marry Harry Ep. 5 Recap

Andrea Knoche (: 00:00

I am Andrea Knoche with From Mrs. to Ms I am back to talk about episode five of Let's Marry Harry. I know I'm probably throwing you off today because I'm not wearing my usual made in the 90s shirt that I was wearing to support Harry, but yeah, I forgot to put it in the dryer. So here we are, and that's okay. We need a bit of a change up, but I am ready to chat all things Harry Jowsy. All right, so remember there are spoilers here, so if you have not watched.

That show and all the the episodes, I am giving quite a bit away. so just make sure you are fully aware of that. Okay, so I have a question, you guys. If a man tells you that you bring out the toxic side of him and he admits he doesn't think that you're right for each other, and he tells his friends he needs to correct the pattern, and then approximately five minutes later, he tells you that he loves you. Is that romance?

Or did we just witness a man become self-aware enough to identify his toxic pattern and then proceed to perform it in real time? huh. Because Harry, yeah, well, we just talked about this. And so this week, Scary Harry didn't just come back, he actually learned some therapy words. Hmm. Okay, so here we are. I'm ready to talk more about Harry Jowsey. And is he actually becoming husband material or

Are we simply watching a very self-aware fuckboy narrate his own bad decisions? We're gonna call this one, well, actually, Netflix called this one the L-word. It's very appropriate because apparently we're throwing around the word love now. We are five episodes into the show where Harry started with a 20 fiancés, he's kissed practically everyone with a pulse, and last week he admitted that Juliana brings out his toxic side.

He said that their relationship feels more lustful than loving. And he admitted that he fishes for validation from her. His friends, his confidants, essentially said, Harry, perhaps she's not the woman for you. And Harry said, You're right. Let me save her. What? God. And so this week, she tells him she loves him. Spoiler alert. And Harry's basically like, shit, me too. Wait.

What? No, no, no, no, no. We're gonna get there. Okay, but episode five actually starts out with something that I have been asking for since episode one. It actually has some substance, you guys. Finally, there's some vulnerability. So Harry's confidence decides that it is time to find out whether these relationships actually have any emotional depth. Thank you. That's what we've been waiting for. That's what husband material is about. We are not looking for our fuckboy here.

I cannot watch another woman walk into Harry's bedroom, ask him one question about himself, have him avoid it completely, and then he sticks his tongue down her throat. I can't have that. We're trying to find a wife here. And at some point, perhaps we should find out who these women actually are. So they start doing this vulnerability exercise in this episode where different statements are read and anyone who identifies them stands up. And then this is where we're actually starting to see these women differently.

Now, Amber says that she's always been told she's too much, which what do I always say? You're never too much for the right person, right? But Harry admits he's also been told that he doesn't give enough emotionally. Duh. Emma talks about falling for someone who doesn't feel the same way. That's what she always does. And Sam reveals that she spent eight years in a relationship with somebody who didn't feel the same way about her. That's a long time. And so suddenly I'm sitting there going,

Where's this been? We've spent four episodes watching these women compete over kisses with some of them that have entire relationship histories that would tell us so much more about how they're connecting with Harry. And here's the part that I found really interesting. They eventually have to identify their biggest relationship insecurity. So we have Amber who chooses loss. We have Juliana and Emma who choose settling, right? We have Dannelle who chooses trust, and we have

Abby, who chooses abandonment. These are all huge, right? And then we have Harry who chooses losing love. And Harry's is the one that really stopped me for a second because we spent this entire season talking about his inability to commit. But what if underneath the constant women, the attention, the validation, and the physical connection, he's actually just afraid of losing love. Because if losing someone terrifies you, well, there's

One very effective way to protect yourself, right? You never fully choose anyone. You never fully become committed. So if you keep one foot out the door, well, you're thinking you can't completely abandon me. I'm ready to run if that should happen. I'm always talking to another woman. I always have someone to land softly with. And if I'm consistently getting validation, then I never have to sit in the discomfort of wondering whether I'm enough for this person.

And suddenly some of Harry's behavior starts making sense, right? Now it doesn't excuse it, but understanding why somebody behaves badly doesn't obligate you to tolerate their behavior. The explanation is not the absolution here, but it does give us another layer. And this is the Harry that we've been waiting for. Not the Harry that's been making out with 11 women. Harry actually sitting with uncomfortable emotions. So

On my board of women and where they stand, Amber started moving up. Okay, so the confidants chose Amber and Sam to go on an individual dates with Harry. Okay, so we're gonna start with Amber. I've been watching her since the beginning because she's never seemed particularly impressed by Harry. And of course, that makes him want her even more. He's totally fascinated by her because nothing gets scary Harry's attention faster than a woman who is not giving him enough attention. But this date actually changes something.

They go to this beautiful overlook in Los Angeles, right? There's wine, there's a movie screen, and Harry shows Amber photos and videos from her life and her family. And so we learn in this moment that Amber actually lost her father when she was nine years old. He was an underwater photographer and he died from drowning. And so Amber later became a photographer herself. And then Harry's childhood photos come up.

And you see his dad, and Harry gets very emotional. And suddenly these two people have spent much of their season just flirting with each other and challenging each other. But now we're finding out that they have something very real to connect over: grief. And that was the first time that I looked at Amber and Harry as a couple and said, okay, I can see this. Not because they're sexually attracted to each other, because Harry could be sexually attracted to a houseplant, let's be real, but because they are seeing something in each other.

That most of the other women cannot fully understand. Loss changes you. And when you meet somebody who has experienced significant loss and grief, well, sometimes there's an understanding that doesn't require a lot of explaining. Harry calls it essentially the perfect date. And I believe him on this one. This is what we've been waiting for. Because for once, Harry wasn't performing. He wasn't chasing. He wasn't trying to get a woman to tell him how much she wants him and that she loves him. He was just

Connecting. This is husband material. Write that down, Harry. Do more of this. Less naked finger painting, more emotional intimacy. Okay, so we're making progress. Let's skip forward to Sam's date. Okay, I like Sam. I do. I think she's got a good head on her shoulders. she challenges him. She's beautiful. There's a lot of really good stuff here. So

They're flirting, they're in the horse's stable. She reminds him that her favorite sexual position is cowgirl, because apparently we cannot remain emotionally mature for more than approximately seven consecutive minutes. But what I like about Sam is that she actually asks questions. And Harry notices that too. She's not trying to get Harry to want her. She's trying to figure Harry out, and that is the difference.

One of the biggest things I want women watching dating shows and dating in real life to notice. Stop spending the entire date wondering whether he likes you. I say this all the time. you need to ask yourself, do I like him? Do I like the way he communicates with me? Do I trust him? Does his lifestyle work with mine? Does he handle conflict? And how does he handle conflict? What happens when he's uncomfortable?

What does commitment actually mean to him? Because being chosen by someone who's completely wrong for you, well, that's not winning. And Sam seems more willing than some of the other women to actually investigate the product before purchasing it, which, considering what happens later with Amber, maybe the try before you buy is the wrong metaphor for this week. Okay, we're gonna get there. I'm jumping ahead. I'm jumping ahead. Okay. So

Next, we're on to Juliana because she just needs Harry to pursue her. And so she's frustrated. She feels like she's doing all the work. She wants Harry to pursue her. And I'm kind of agreeing with her on that. He's not doing much of the work. Let's be real. He's sitting back and waiting for these women to come to him. And then when they do and they ask the questions, he's kind of just skipping away from it and he starts making out with them. And so these women are feeling like they constantly have to initiate, they constantly have to pull him aside.

And they're constantly trying to create a connection with him. And so that's information. Sometimes women keep trying harder because they think effort is going to create reciprocity, but it won't.

Because if you have to keep manufacturing opportunities for someone to choose you, well, eventually I think you have to ask why they're not choosing you without actually being prompted, right? Like that makes sense. And so here comes the moment. This is the I love you disaster. This was actually one of my favorite episodes, I think, because it was just very interesting to see how it all played out. To see how Juliana acted with him, how she was probing and

prodding him to say I love you. And she's kind of doing the little flirty, like, I know you want to say these three words to me. And Harry is just like, No, it's too soon. I'm not ready yet. There's all these women here. I mean, he's being so clear with her that he's not wanting to say it. Yet she keeps poking at him.

I love you finally, she just whispers to him.

And immediately when that dropped, you guys, I'm like, what? No, don't do that. And honestly, this could have been one of Harry's most mature moments. He could have said, Listen, I care about you. I'm just not there yet. I don't want to say something that I don't mean or that I'm not ready to say. That would be husband Harry. That is emotionally responsible. That's how an adult handles having someone having stronger feelings than he does. But instead,

Instead, Harry starts talking and he's kind of, you know, he says to her, Well, that's a statement, which first of all, that sucks to hear. and then she's looking at him and he tries to get around it and say something different. And he starts to say, I love you. And he's going to say, I love you for these things, right? Like I love you because you are so putting yourself out there, something like that.

But instead, he says, I love you. And then he takes a pause and she's like, You said you love me. And so what does Harry do? Well, he just doubles down on it.

We literally just spent an entire episode listening to Harry explain that he fishes for validation from this woman. He admits that he love bombs. He admits that he doesn't think this dynamic brings out the best in him. And now the first time that she gives him the ultimate validation, you give it back to her when you know you're not feeling this? Harry, what are you doing?

well, Harry immediately appears uncomfortable with what he said, and the episode makes clear that he regrets it. And here's the important relationship conversation. Okay, sometimes saying I love you when you don't mean it feels kinder in the moment. It isn't, you guys. It's selfish because you're choosing your temporary comfort over their long-term clarity. And you're just afraid to see the disappointment on their face. You don't want to feel guilty. You don't want this awkward silence.

So you give them the answer that they want. And now they have to live with something that wasn't true because you couldn't be honest and tolerate 30 seconds of discomfort. That is not kindness, that is avoidance. And Harry's already admitted he's conflict avoidant. And here it is, in real time. We saw it. And right after they have this conversation and he says, I love you back to her, Abby walks in, right?

And because the show refuses to let us process anything, Juliana leaves and Harry basically grabs Abby, throws her down on the bed, and starts making out with her. I mean, my mouth dropped open, you guys. I'm like, sir, you just said I love you to Juliana. I haven't even recovered from that. I don't even think Juliana's made it downstairs yet. And now Abby's horizontal on your bed. Ugh.

And this is exactly why I keep coming back to Harry's relationship with physical intimacy. That's really where his relationship is. Because whenever something gets emotionally uncomfortable for him, Harry just kisses somebody. The conversation's difficult? Hey, let's kiss. He's feeling vulnerable? Yep. Kiss me. Women wanting reassurance? Kiss, kiss, kiss. Just accidentally telling someone you love them? Quick, find Abby. Let's make out and kiss.

Physical intimacy is Harry's emotional escape. And that is more interesting to me than how many women he's been kissing. Because it's not really about the kissing, it's about what kissing prevents him from having to feel. So after this whole thing happens, remember Abby's upstairs kissing with him horizontally. Juliana has now gone downstairs and she cannot wait to tell the other women what Harry has told her. Except she's telling it in a way that didn't actually happen. She said it first. We know this. And Harry initially pushed back.

And then he said it when he really wasn't even meaning to say it. And he just took this long pause that he shouldn't have. And so the words just seem to come out. But the way she's telling it to the women is very different. And so if I'm hearing this as one of the women, and I'm hearing her say that Harry just told me he loves me, girl, I'm packing my bags. Like, why am I still here? But if the story is, well, I told Harry I loved him, he basically panicked.

He told me I shouldn't have said that. He said it was a r just a statement and then he eventually blurted out that he loved me too. Well, I'm probably more inclined to stay because that doesn't sound like a man who just fell madly in love with someone. That kind of sounds like a hostage negotiation, if you ask me.

Wait, Abby is now thinking, wait, you just told her you loved her and then you immediately made out with me? Ugh, okay, well, Abby's gonna confront Harry about it, which I love. She wants to talk to him and she basically explains that he has different relationships with different women. Some of them are fun, some are serious, some are somewhere in between. Harry, this isn't a tasting menu. You are not frickin' Goldilocks. You are supposed to be selecting a wife.

But more importantly, he admits that he regrets what he said to Juliana and he doesn't believe that they are bringing out the best in each other, which means he knows. Again, that's the maddening thing about Harry. He keeps identifying the exact problem. His diagnosis is great. His treatment is terrible. What is self-awareness without behavioral change? Well,

It's just really accurate narration, is all it is. And episode five might be the clearest example we've had yet of this.

Okay, so I do have one moment this week where I do actually agree with Harry. I agree that recognizing that he and Juliana do not bring out the best in each other is not a good thing because that matters. Chemistry is not automatically evidence that a relationship is good. Sometimes the person that you're most activated by is actually the person who is worse for you and your nervous system. Intensity can often feel like intimacy and jealousy can feel like passion.

Uncertainty can feel like chemistry. And being constantly activated can feel exciting when chaos is familiar. But healthy love should not require you to constantly recover from the relationship you're in. And I say this all the time: chemistry and compatibility are two very different things. You can have chemistry with a lot of people, but are you truly compatible? Are they truly bringing out the best in you? Or are they doing just like we said here, this is lust and not love? And he's finally understanding that.

Now we need his actions to catch up with what he's finally understanding. Okay, so the convenants find out that Harry has told Juliana she loves him and they're basically horrified, just as we all were. And, you know, they kind of tell him, Harry, you need to get rid of her. This is not good. You know you don't feel that way about her. You have to tell her you do not love her. You have to send her home, and it is your responsibility to correct this.

Immediately, not tomorrow, not after another make out session with her.

Now, immediately. So before the elimination ceremony, Harry pulls Juliana aside and he finally does the right thing. He tells her that she brings out an old version of him. He acknowledges saying that he loves her when he didn't mean it, and he tells her he doesn't think he's in love with her. Now I'm gonna harp on that for a minute. He doesn't think he's in love with her. So that's actually kind of annoying to me because he did that with Rakaya. And I think I mentioned it there, where he he said, I don't.

Think that you are the wife for me. You know, Harry, you know in that moment, if you're sending her home, you haven't even kissed her, you know she's not for you. Why are you saying I don't think? And here we are again. You're about to send Juliana home. You know you don't have those feelings for her. You know she brings out the worst in you. Why are you saying I don't think that I love you? Just flat out say it. I'm sorry, I don't love you. I got caught up in the moment and I felt uncomfortable and I didn't know what to say. And I shouldn't have said that. And I apologize, but I do not love you.

And Juliana says she meant it when she said it. And so she's furious. And she gives him the ring back and She's gone. That is what happened. And so this is a little complicated for my Harry husband material score because Harry created this problem, right? But then he did correct it. And correcting a mistake is a big thing. I don't expect someone to be perfect overnight, but

Can you recognize when you've hurt somebody, can you take responsibility for that and stop repeating the behavior? So I don't know. The jury is still out on that one. Let's hope he can. So my moment, my girl run moment of the week is Juliana. And I really meant run from Harry, which she already did, right? and I also mean run from any relationship where you're constantly trying to get somebody to confirm their feelings that they're not freely giving you.

If you have to ask the other person repeatedly, do you love me? How much do you like me? Am I your favorite? Do you see us together? Where do I rank with you? You're not receiving security, you guys. You are negotiating for it. And security that has to be extracted from somebody is never going to feel secure for you. So it's going to feel good in the moment, but it's not going to feel good later because it really wasn't the truth in that moment. And you are begging for that information. So let's stop doing that, huh? Okay.

So let's get to the elimination. Now, the confidants were already planning to eliminate Juliana along with Maya. So Harry effectively took care of that, right? Juliana went home on her own and then they also send Maya home. There just wasn't anything there. So that now leaves the final five. And now Harry is also on his own. The confidants are no longer helping with this elimination. It is finally up to Harry to make his own decisions himself, which is terrifying.

Because we've spent five episodes establishing that Harry's picker might be the entire reason we are here. So, congratulations, Harry. The training wheels are now off. Please do not drive into a wall. Make good decisions. And then we have Amber. Just when I thought we'd have finished our emotional journey, Juliana's gone. That whole I love you thing is in the past. Amber.

Tells Harry that she wasn't thrilled that he saved Juliana because she wants a man whose words match his actions. Fair. So what does Harry do with his actions? He puts them into play. He picks her up, he takes her towards the bathroom, and they disappear off camera. And we hear get naked. And something about needing to try the car before you buy it.

We just spent an hour discussing vulnerability. And apparently our final vulnerability exercise here is nudity. So they are in the bathroom. Sam goes upstairs. The shower is now running. So is that shower actually running like they're in the shower? Is the shower running because they are trying to mask the sounds they're making, whatever they're doing, to trick people to think that he's in the shower by himself?

I don't know, but Sam hears what's happening and she runs downstairs and she tells everybody. End of episode? No, absolutely not. You cannot give me grief, love bombing, a fake I'd love you, and a breakup, an elimination, and a mysterious running shower, and then roll the credits. You did though, Netflix. You knew what you were doing. And because we're only discussing episode five today, I am stopping there.

Okay, so I'm not gonna give it away anymore. You're gonna have to wait for the recap on episode six. I'm sure you would have watched it yourself by then and we'll be ready to dive in. But let's talk about my updated women board. After episode five, my board has changed. Amber is now number one, even though she's doing the whole shower thing, which I think is totally wrong at this point, and she should have held out on that for sure.

But I did see an emotional compatibility between her and Harry. So I'm going off of that based on their date, right? Not just the sexual tension and that Harry is enjoying this chase. Dannelle, even though she was a lot quieter this episode, she's still very high on my list. Harry does tell his confidants that he likes that she stays out of drama, which he's looking for that, right? And reason why he sent Faith home, because he felt she was drama and telling everybody.

Abby also stays on my board. She continues to represent more of the traditional family that Harry says he wants. Sam, of course, stays on my board. she asks questions. She's watching him. She's not afraid to confront him. And based only on what we've seen through episode five, I think she's beginning to question whether Harry's behavior is matching the man he's selling himself to be. Juliana's gone. So that's good. And honestly, I think that's good for both of them. So my Harry husband material score.

Da da da. Episode one, I gave it a 5.5. Episode two was a drop to five. Episode three, I dropped lower to four. Episode four, I went back up to five. I don't know if that was totally justified, but I did. especially when Ozzy gave it a two. in episode five, well, I think there was a lot of good things in here, and I have to recognize that. So I'm gonna go up slightly to a 5.5 out of 10.

Now, to me, that is still not husband material, you guys. A 5.5 out of 10. I would never, I would never marry a guy that I feel 5.5 out of 10 about. But he did go up. The I love you situation was awful. Huge deduct deduction for that. But this was also the first episode when I saw Harry actually form a connection based on something deeper than attraction. So that was worth something. He showed vulnerability. He recognized that Juliana's dynamic was unhealthy.

And he corrected the I love you. He had a very difficult conversation and he ended something with a woman that he did feel chemistry with and want to make out with, but he didn't keep her around just for that reason.

But that's growth. It's messy growth. Still growth. Very Harry growth. But growth. Okay, however, the shower's still running. So Harry's 5.5 may have approximately one week to live by the time I get back with episode six. Okay, my big takeaway, episode five actually gave me the clearest picture yet of what Harry's real challenge is. It's not whether he can fall in love, it's whether he can tolerate the vulnerability required to love someone.

without constantly reaching for validation somewhere else. Because marriage isn't choosing someone when you're feeling connected. It's choosing them when you're scared and when you're bored and when somebody else wants you and when you don't know exactly how they feel, you're still choosing them. When the dopamine wears off, when the relationship stops feeling like a chase. Harry keeps saying he wants a wife, you guys, but becoming a husband requires something much harder.

It requires learning how to stay emotionally present when running, kissing, performing, or getting validation would be easier. And that is still the question. So I need to hear from you guys. Was Harry wrong to say I love you? Y'all know he was. So I don't know that I'm gonna see anything else in the comments. But was Harry wrong to say I love you back to Juliana when he didn't mean it? And was Juliana hearing what she wanted to hear? I don't know.

Has Amber become a front runner for you guys? I want to hear that too. And most importantly, what's Harry's husband material score after episode five? I gave him a 5.5. Put yours in the comments below. I want to see what we're giving Harry this week. And apparently next week we're gonna find out what the hell is actually going on behind the bathroom door. Are they in the shower? Did they get naked? Did she try out the car? Hmm.

Follow me, guys. Follow from Mrs. to ms because episode six is coming. And at this point, I don't even know whether I'm watching a man learn how to become a husband or I'm watching just Scary Harry become increasingly fluent in therapy speak while continuing to be Scary Harry. Either way, I am here for it. I am taking a seat. So I hope you guys are enjoying this recap so far. I'm trying to hit all the major points. I'm trying not to give

too much away each week because it does tend to blend together, but I think I'm keeping it all in line. I'd love to hear from you guys. I would love, love, love for you to rate and review this. I mean, I would love to say your reviews out loud, what you guys think of it. Give the scores. I want to talk about this and have a conversation. So please make sure that if you're on YouTube, you're putting it in the comments. If I have a clip out there on Instagram or TikTok, tell me what you think.

Rate and review the podcast itself and the episode. You can put it right in there. Come on, guys, work with me here. I want to have a chitty chit chat. So let's go. All right, that's it. That's all I got for this week. That was the episode five recap of Let's Marry Harry. I will find you guys again next week for episode six recap. We are getting close to the end. There is eight episodes and a reunion finale that we are definitely gonna throw down on. So join me next week for episode six. All right, you guys, that's all I got.

Talk to later. Bye-bye.